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12/01/2023
Axiomatic
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Axiomatic
Top Review
45
The fight goes on!
Good evening ladies and gentlemen!
Wiesbaden.
Another attack on our free basic order is keeping the republic on tenterhooks.
The conflict over the release of an honorary citizen has been escalating for days.
The G.A.F, the Voracious Army Faction, struck again during the morning rush hour two weeks ago.
In the immediate vicinity of the BKA, the terrorist group succeeded in kidnapping the Federal Cross of Merit recipient Lapidus pour Homme Eau de Toilette.
We now switch to our correspondent Axiomatic on the ground.
A (voice shivering from the winter cold, red, sore nose, sniffling with microphone in hand):
Stunned and horrified residents, surrounding streets cordoned off for hours.
Images of a cowardly attack. The investigation is in full swing.
Witnesses report a sweet-chemical smell with a narcotic effect around 07:00 two weeks ago.
Everything points to the fact that another one of the notorious homemade bombs was detonated.
Thanks to camera surveillance, it was possible to reconstruct the crime.
A red-orange smoke with a pungent, sweet citrus smell blinded Lapius as he stood by his car. You could dimly make out him clutching his neck and gasping.
A neighbor described the smell - sniff - like the exhaust fumes from a confectionery manufacturer in Bonn.
Shortly afterwards, a stolen light brown Sprinter with fake license plates sped towards Lapidus. Three masked kings of the Orient - sniff - got out and put an overseas sack over his head. Analysis of the spilled dust revealed that it was highly concentrated, narcotic nutmeg and dangerous cinnamon.
Lapidus didn't stand a chance, lost consciousness and was put in the hold.
The gang managed to escape via the A3 to the Benelux countries.
Editor: Axio, what are the G.A.F.'s demands and what is the status of Lapidus' life?
A (grabbing the headphones with a time delay and nodding in a practiced manner): It's the same ludicrous claims as from past cases involving the criminal gang. The investigating authorities - sniff - assume that with each passing day, the chances of survival diminish.
R: Can you say more about the motives and demands of the G.A.F.
A (nodding again in understanding): They are the classic ideological motives of the G.A.F. Down with the system of toxic masculinity and its oppressive yoke of lavender, oakmoss and animalism. Edible sweetness would be the only solution to overcoming - sniff - lewdly virile macho culture.
The G.A.F demands the destruction of all recipes for established fragrances by Martin Gras and Pierre Bourdon.
Only then would Lapidus be released.
R: Is it already possible to profile the perpetrators?
A (nose dripping): Well, experts assume that they are amateurs of the so-called Frankfurt School. The only way to break free is by, and I quote, breaking what is breaking us.
According to the logistical effort, the members are located in a well-protected milieu, mostly children - sniffing and pulling up snot - from wealthy families.
Leitmotifs of the terror group come from the film by director Rainer Werner Fassbinder, "The Third Generation".
(Coughing and shaking their legs from the cold.)
R: Have the terrorists declared themselves ready to negotiate?
A (fearing for his hypothermic bladder): They have. But for reasons of investigative tactics, we're still keeping quiet about it.
In the meantime, however, the terrorists' psychological leverage has appeared on the Internet.
They are now repeatedly sending disturbing images in order to exert pressure on relatives and the state.
R: What can you tell us about these images?
A (nose even redder): They are gruesome pictures, meant to make the relatives grumpy - sniffle.
Lapidus was painted over with a kitschy gold glaze, then draped with a Nuremberg Christkindl wig and a blob of plum jam. In front of it a poster with the inscription: Prisoner of the G.A.F.
for two weeks
R: There are said to be other threatening letters in circulation.
A (where can you go for little boys???): That's right.
On the one hand, x-rays of Lapidus' lungs have been received by the Mainz University Hospital. Pneumologists fear pneumoconiosis if action is not taken quickly.
On the other hand, perfidious Christmas calendars have reached relatives, the state authorities and the press.
Orange blossom hair from Lapidus has been placed behind each door with an incredibly artificial liquid. A nasty smell of dry cinnamon, dusty nutmeg and potent clove with vanilla is intended to show what these criminals are capable of.
When you open the respective doors, the G.A.F anthem "So lang' man Träume noch leben kann" by Münchener Freiheit plays.
As you can see, we are dealing with unscrupulous criminals here.
The first calendars contain the hair on his head. The next ones will contain his chest hair and the nasty mixture.
If negotiations have not been successful by then, the next calendars will contain his sha...
(Interference and faltering image transmission.)
R: Axio, we can only receive you with difficulty, the snowfall is interfering with the transmission.
A (flooding accident imminent): ... used as ultimate leverage.
The situation is - sniff - coming to a head.
R: Axio, thank you for informing us about the state of affairs.
(Short pause.)
Axio, are you still there?
A (coming back from behind a tree, relieved and grumpy): This job just pays too poorly.
Um...
Are we still on the air?
Wiesbaden.
Another attack on our free basic order is keeping the republic on tenterhooks.
The conflict over the release of an honorary citizen has been escalating for days.
The G.A.F, the Voracious Army Faction, struck again during the morning rush hour two weeks ago.
In the immediate vicinity of the BKA, the terrorist group succeeded in kidnapping the Federal Cross of Merit recipient Lapidus pour Homme Eau de Toilette.
We now switch to our correspondent Axiomatic on the ground.
A (voice shivering from the winter cold, red, sore nose, sniffling with microphone in hand):
Stunned and horrified residents, surrounding streets cordoned off for hours.
Images of a cowardly attack. The investigation is in full swing.
Witnesses report a sweet-chemical smell with a narcotic effect around 07:00 two weeks ago.
Everything points to the fact that another one of the notorious homemade bombs was detonated.
Thanks to camera surveillance, it was possible to reconstruct the crime.
A red-orange smoke with a pungent, sweet citrus smell blinded Lapius as he stood by his car. You could dimly make out him clutching his neck and gasping.
A neighbor described the smell - sniff - like the exhaust fumes from a confectionery manufacturer in Bonn.
Shortly afterwards, a stolen light brown Sprinter with fake license plates sped towards Lapidus. Three masked kings of the Orient - sniff - got out and put an overseas sack over his head. Analysis of the spilled dust revealed that it was highly concentrated, narcotic nutmeg and dangerous cinnamon.
Lapidus didn't stand a chance, lost consciousness and was put in the hold.
The gang managed to escape via the A3 to the Benelux countries.
Editor: Axio, what are the G.A.F.'s demands and what is the status of Lapidus' life?
A (grabbing the headphones with a time delay and nodding in a practiced manner): It's the same ludicrous claims as from past cases involving the criminal gang. The investigating authorities - sniff - assume that with each passing day, the chances of survival diminish.
R: Can you say more about the motives and demands of the G.A.F.
A (nodding again in understanding): They are the classic ideological motives of the G.A.F. Down with the system of toxic masculinity and its oppressive yoke of lavender, oakmoss and animalism. Edible sweetness would be the only solution to overcoming - sniff - lewdly virile macho culture.
The G.A.F demands the destruction of all recipes for established fragrances by Martin Gras and Pierre Bourdon.
Only then would Lapidus be released.
R: Is it already possible to profile the perpetrators?
A (nose dripping): Well, experts assume that they are amateurs of the so-called Frankfurt School. The only way to break free is by, and I quote, breaking what is breaking us.
According to the logistical effort, the members are located in a well-protected milieu, mostly children - sniffing and pulling up snot - from wealthy families.
Leitmotifs of the terror group come from the film by director Rainer Werner Fassbinder, "The Third Generation".
(Coughing and shaking their legs from the cold.)
R: Have the terrorists declared themselves ready to negotiate?
A (fearing for his hypothermic bladder): They have. But for reasons of investigative tactics, we're still keeping quiet about it.
In the meantime, however, the terrorists' psychological leverage has appeared on the Internet.
They are now repeatedly sending disturbing images in order to exert pressure on relatives and the state.
R: What can you tell us about these images?
A (nose even redder): They are gruesome pictures, meant to make the relatives grumpy - sniffle.
Lapidus was painted over with a kitschy gold glaze, then draped with a Nuremberg Christkindl wig and a blob of plum jam. In front of it a poster with the inscription: Prisoner of the G.A.F.
for two weeks
R: There are said to be other threatening letters in circulation.
A (where can you go for little boys???): That's right.
On the one hand, x-rays of Lapidus' lungs have been received by the Mainz University Hospital. Pneumologists fear pneumoconiosis if action is not taken quickly.
On the other hand, perfidious Christmas calendars have reached relatives, the state authorities and the press.
Orange blossom hair from Lapidus has been placed behind each door with an incredibly artificial liquid. A nasty smell of dry cinnamon, dusty nutmeg and potent clove with vanilla is intended to show what these criminals are capable of.
When you open the respective doors, the G.A.F anthem "So lang' man Träume noch leben kann" by Münchener Freiheit plays.
As you can see, we are dealing with unscrupulous criminals here.
The first calendars contain the hair on his head. The next ones will contain his chest hair and the nasty mixture.
If negotiations have not been successful by then, the next calendars will contain his sha...
(Interference and faltering image transmission.)
R: Axio, we can only receive you with difficulty, the snowfall is interfering with the transmission.
A (flooding accident imminent): ... used as ultimate leverage.
The situation is - sniff - coming to a head.
R: Axio, thank you for informing us about the state of affairs.
(Short pause.)
Axio, are you still there?
A (coming back from behind a tree, relieved and grumpy): This job just pays too poorly.
Um...
Are we still on the air?
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