How To Write a Good Perfume Review
All perfume reviews are welcome at Parfumo – as long as they show minimum effort. Some people may hesitate to post simply because they are not used to express themselves in written words, or because they are worried that their attempts might not keep up with the quality of those of other users. However, you miss a lot if you let these concerns determine your perfume hobby.
Actually, it could have been anything: wine, beer, whiskey, paintings, fashion, or modern architecture could be reflected on the way we do on perfume. Life is short and too many things just pass us by without ever being noticed – our brains provide excellent shelter, which is good. But you surely miss a certain quality in your life if you let everything pass by. Take notice of something! At Parfumo, we decided to take notice of perfume.
Take a break, apply some good perfume, sit down and just consider what you smell. Does it give you certain images? Does it resemble something? Does it fit into a certain mood? Can you even analyse parts of the fragrance and find certain notes? And finally: like it or not? If you do this, some words will come to you. You only have to note them down – in your computer, on a piece of paper, or store them in an empty corner in your brain.
Having said that, writing perfume reviews is not or not entirely driven by the need of telling something to the public. It is also a private act, something you do for yourself. You may call it an exercise in awareness (a Buddhist concept), an enhancement of experience or just fun!
***
Here are some practical tips:
Starting with the title...
The title and the first chapter are the most important parts of every text. Here, it is decided whether the reader will continue. You have to make him curious and gain his attention, but you must not tell all. If you consider your first words it is always helpful to put yourself into the position of the reader: Would this start raise my interest if I read it in somebody else's review? Or does it give me the impression that it already contains all worth knowing about this fragrance? Would I like to go on reading?
Very bad are titles like: A Bore from Grasse, Truly Average, or Again Nothing New from Dior. Who wants to read about something boring? I am not going to even click on such a review! In these cases, it is better to cheat a little: Accessible Fragrance from Grasse and No Airs and Graces. You can explain your real opinion later on. The question New Ways at Dior? could be answered in the negative when closing the review.
Really Ugly, Totally Impossible, Horrible Dishwater – also this kind of titles will provide minimum audience. Most readers are looking for beautiful fragrances, not bad experiences. You should not take your bad experience so seriously as to bother others with it. Why not make fun of it and write a slating review instead?
Problematic can be those titles that already provide a characterisation of the perfume: An Oriental Gourmand, A Typical Summer's Fragrance. - At least, this is very honest because you tell the majority of possible readers that they do not have to go on since this fragrance doesn't match with their preferences anyway. The rest will ask themselves: Another one? Better may be: An Oriental Gourmand with a Kick, Summer Despite Patchouli.
With certain enthusiastic titles, it very much depends on the context: A Heavenly Fragrance, My New Favorite, Best Fragrance of the Year. If such is found above the review of a brand new niche fragrance the attention of the whole Parfumo community is for sure. Author and fragrance then only have to justify the expectations aroused! Whoever uses such strong words for the cheapest perfume from his or her local drug store will make people frown and call the own taste into question. Better: Niche Quality for Small Money. Also, a little question mark behind an otherwise too strong title is advisable.
Good titles are those that point at a contradiction or something special: An Eau with Depth, Western Stuff from The East, Fine Arts at the Chain Store, Experimental Citruses, A New Form of Vetiver.
***
...and the first chapter
What has been said so far also applies for the first sentence and the first chapter. You have to contain yourself; by all means you must not tell your conclusion so soon:
To say in advance, this perfume is nothing special,
To start with the most important: this perfume is an outstanding work of art!
As a reader, I thank the author for the kindness of saving me any further reading since I now already know the essential.
Again, it is problematic to limit a perfume review to the interest of only one group of readers: The Vetiver by X is a classic one. Either the reader already knows such a perfume or he or she is not interested. Why not spice it up a little?
Also women like classic vetivers, but only few of them can be worn by ladies.
This review might not gain a big amount of readers but its start will surely catch the special attention of a small circle of ladies! Also, it is quite good in these cases to let the first chapter point at something interesting to come:
Since many years, there are no news to tell about classic vetivers. I was all the more surprised when...
A perfume may be dead boring – if there is nothing at all to tell about it, one cannot write a review and testing it should stay one's secret forever. If at all, you may ask for the exception from the general rule:
Better this time? Very rightly, this brand has never gained lots of attention at Parfumo due to their many uninspired issues. But now they come out with a completely new series ...
Much can be done to tease curiosity – you can be creative with that. Unless you are not repeating it over and over again, you may also start with a topic that has nothing to do with perfume at all, and then find a nice transition:
A trip with the world famous suspension monorail is actually the only reason to visit the German town Wuppertal. Climbing up the stairs to the platform, you may sense the melancholy that evaporates from this former, now demolished centre of industrialisation. Over many decades this valley was committed to the ravage of early capitalism, irrespective of the environment. One of the first reports of its ecological devastation by the numerous textile plants and dyeing mills was given by Friedrich Engels, life-long friend and co-author of Karl Marx. What kind of kinky smells may this son of a wealthy Wuppertal industrialist have been exposed to during his youth? - It does not take much to suppose that also Serge Luton might have some roots in Wuppertal, since his L'Eau...
***
Good style – bad style
This is all a matter of personal taste, and this is where the specific ways of the different authors come into view. Should one wallow in feelings and beautiful pictures or try an almost scientific analysis? You can overdo both. An emotional description with pictures and impressions may be taken more serious if you make mention of the cause. - And an analysis of all the scent notes and their relations may be more catchy if the result is underlined by a few strong pictures.
In either case, never loose contact to the reader. One has to think twice about how much personal information should go into a review. You can become quite unpopular if you tell all the details of your latest shopping experience, how you found this cute little perfume shop, how friendly and competent the staff was, and that after buying the fragrance your husband, wife, mother-in-law, grandchildren and pets showed only the most pleasant and approving reactions.
In opposite to that, highly interesting would be:
Lately, I had the chance to meet the perfumer X whose new release I have a burning interest in. Having a cup of coffee together, she told me about her concept...
It is problematic if descriptions and evaluations become too drastic and radical, especially if they are negative and disgusting: This perfume smells like dog turd - such a statement causes the reader to stop immediately since nobody would be going to examine that in detail if he finds it on the street. Better:
The accentuation of such strong animal and fecal notes is more than unusual. What was the perfumer up to?
And you keep the reader's interest!
Not acceptable and already an insult against the netiquette on Parfumo are negative expressions that point beyond the perfume, and at the wearers:
Le Mâle is pure Nuttendiesel and used nowadays only by alcoholics and people on social benefit.
The most difficult part of any perfume review may be the comment on single fragrance notes. If one decides to do that at all, one should be aware that many readers might not have a clear and precise memory of scent notes. This is the part where the author demands most of the reader's attention. If you then talk shop about every single note that you find in the pyramid, it can easily come across as false and artificial – especially if the reader himself would hardly recognise any of the notes mentioned. It may be better to focus on the main notes, to emphasize what is essential for the fragrance:
A citric head, a floral heart, oakmoss and patchouli in the base are so much typical for a chypre, however... - From the many fragrance notes listed a rose-like accord stands out, and so this perfume will attract mainly...- I like the transition of the fleeting lavender top note down to the base.
And if things turn out difficult, it is completely acceptable to say:
The combination of all those notes is complex and nothing stands out. All blend together into a unique fragrance that hardly anybody could detect even one single note in. So, I can only give you my general impression...
Also, this most demanding part of the fragrance review can do very well with a strong picture:
A scent like a pile of freshly chopped beech wood in an autumn forest goes along well with...
Sometimes one would like to compare a perfume with another, similar fragrance. To avoid confusion you should always fully name the reviewed perfume but the fragrance you compare it with only once. In the following, you skate around it:
Whoever draws his interest to Guerlain's Homme will also come across its variant Homme L'Eau Boisée. Whereas the top note of Guerlain Homme contains the famous, somewhat eccentric Mojito note, for the flanker, they chose...
Only for a monstrous perfume name you need an abbreviation: Kouros Cologne Sport Eau d'Eté Summer Fragrance
***
Spelling rules and grammar
As a non-native speaker, I am presumably the wrong person to comment on those regulations in detail. The English language is developed further on by speakers from so many countries, so I doubt if any institution authorized (authorised?) by a government should have the power to set rules.
For a perfume reviewer, much more important than correct grammar and following spelling rules is to be authentic. If some street slang or dialect is your language, please use it! I am fully aware that I make spelling errors. My English is influenced by my mother tongue German, and sometimes I deliberately take over German grammar rules into my English texts whenever I find them more plausible – and vice versa. For instance, I tend to put a comma between subordinate and main clauses, which is a strict rule in German grammar. And we do not only have the comma: there are also semicolon, colon, and dash that you can use to bring some structure into your reviews! Make use of them - whenever you find it appropriate. If you structure your sentences, they are less likely to be too long.
Playing with rules should end where the reader is abducted from the content of the review - because he or she is only giving thoughts about your use of the English language.
***
Tips for non-native speakers
In order to overcome and minimize the shortcomings of your English, a good use of translation sites is a must! Have one favourite translation site at hand for single words and short expressions. Choose a second one for cases of doubt or if the other one does not provide many results.
For German-English translations, there is a special search engine (linguee.de) that looks for bilingual texts in the net. This is extremely helpful as it shows how certain words are being used in a context. Also, you can find out how a specific expression is translated into English or if it is used at all. Try to find such a site for your language!
Never use Google translator or similar sites! It is simply not possible to translate complete texts by computers, and most of the output of Google translator is rubbish.
***
A good slating review...
is hard to write. One has to be in the mood for it. To exaggerate, to caricature, to astound, to ironize and to find baffling turns might not be easy every day.
One should be aware that humour aims at the risible muscles, not the stomach. A mere listing of more or less nauseating expressions of disgust does not do the trick; and strong language is not funny by itself. A good slating review may touch the limits of good taste but never break them. It may be sometimes difficult not to offend others, and approval from all readers cannot be expected. For instance, my slating review about Gold Wings was blamed for discriminating against underclass people (will have to translate that!).