Jacko
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Love is in the Bin - love is in the bin
It was a terrible yet familiar sound that was coming from behind the auction podium at Sotheby’s. It sounded like the shredder in his office. As an expert in art forgeries, he had one of those devices on Jermyn Street as well. On his carefully polished brass plaque on the old oak door, it read in Times font: James T. Bond - Art & Crime - Official Expert.
Today was his day off, and instead of going to the office, he stopped by Taylor of Old Bond Street to stock up. The delicious Sandalwood Cologne was running low. Initially, he had only applied it fleetingly, but now he couldn't get enough of it. This spicy-fresh scent with the best sandalwood note he knew. Even in the store, he spritzed himself with it, knowing that the delightful liquid would lose some intensity by the time he took his seat in the Sotheby’s hall. New Bond Street, where Sotheby’s was located, was only 8 minutes away; he had tested that often as a regular and well-liked expert. He wished the seller a friendly “Let’s project” in the style of Mr. Smelly’s Fragrance Reviews. And out he went.
Buttoning up his tailored waistcoat took exactly ten seconds in the morning. The shredding noise at Sotheby’s lasted about ten seconds as well. Before the horrified eyes of the audience, the painting “Girl with Balloon” by Banksy, which had just been auctioned for 1.2 million euros, began to move, rushing through the hidden paper shredder embedded in the gold brocade frame until only a red balloon was left visible. Then the shredder stopped - and everyone present held their breath.
Bond thought two things: I will have to rename the painting for my investigation, which I will likely have to conduct. The working title will be “Love is in the bin - love is in the bin.” Because he had liked the graphic so far, as it reminded him of the title and album cover of Blur’s “Good Song,” which goes:
“Waiting, got no town to hide in
The country's got a hold of my soul
TV's dead and there ain't no war in my head, no
And you seem very beautiful to me…”
That also fit with the remaining part of the graphic, whose lower half hung down in the form of closely fitting paper strips, looking somewhat sad. Like test strips for perfume, ready to tear off.
The second thing he thought: Quite expensive test strips, but somehow cool. That Banksy, the old gangster, he really came up with something again. Critique of the art market at its finest, 1.2 million won, just as quickly gone. Or rather, cut up, haha.
The effect of the Sandalwood Cologne had also faded just in time for the end of the shredding; he liked this reliability. This way, he could almost go unnoticed, better un-smelled, to the extremely attractive managing director of Sotheby’s, where they were already expecting him: “Mister Bond, we have a job for you. Was everything above board, what do you think? And what scent are you wearing today, I like it.” Bond glanced up briefly: “We will investigate both.” And the scent lasts longer than he thought, he thought somewhat embarrassed. “Were you in the know? Did you know what was going to happen today?”
She looked directly and long into his eyes: “You never know, Mr. Bond.” And she sent him off with a charming smile and a deep breath in his direction.
Song for the scent:
https://youtu.be/VRrJugyk1Yw
Today was his day off, and instead of going to the office, he stopped by Taylor of Old Bond Street to stock up. The delicious Sandalwood Cologne was running low. Initially, he had only applied it fleetingly, but now he couldn't get enough of it. This spicy-fresh scent with the best sandalwood note he knew. Even in the store, he spritzed himself with it, knowing that the delightful liquid would lose some intensity by the time he took his seat in the Sotheby’s hall. New Bond Street, where Sotheby’s was located, was only 8 minutes away; he had tested that often as a regular and well-liked expert. He wished the seller a friendly “Let’s project” in the style of Mr. Smelly’s Fragrance Reviews. And out he went.
Buttoning up his tailored waistcoat took exactly ten seconds in the morning. The shredding noise at Sotheby’s lasted about ten seconds as well. Before the horrified eyes of the audience, the painting “Girl with Balloon” by Banksy, which had just been auctioned for 1.2 million euros, began to move, rushing through the hidden paper shredder embedded in the gold brocade frame until only a red balloon was left visible. Then the shredder stopped - and everyone present held their breath.
Bond thought two things: I will have to rename the painting for my investigation, which I will likely have to conduct. The working title will be “Love is in the bin - love is in the bin.” Because he had liked the graphic so far, as it reminded him of the title and album cover of Blur’s “Good Song,” which goes:
“Waiting, got no town to hide in
The country's got a hold of my soul
TV's dead and there ain't no war in my head, no
And you seem very beautiful to me…”
That also fit with the remaining part of the graphic, whose lower half hung down in the form of closely fitting paper strips, looking somewhat sad. Like test strips for perfume, ready to tear off.
The second thing he thought: Quite expensive test strips, but somehow cool. That Banksy, the old gangster, he really came up with something again. Critique of the art market at its finest, 1.2 million won, just as quickly gone. Or rather, cut up, haha.
The effect of the Sandalwood Cologne had also faded just in time for the end of the shredding; he liked this reliability. This way, he could almost go unnoticed, better un-smelled, to the extremely attractive managing director of Sotheby’s, where they were already expecting him: “Mister Bond, we have a job for you. Was everything above board, what do you think? And what scent are you wearing today, I like it.” Bond glanced up briefly: “We will investigate both.” And the scent lasts longer than he thought, he thought somewhat embarrassed. “Were you in the know? Did you know what was going to happen today?”
She looked directly and long into his eyes: “You never know, Mr. Bond.” And she sent him off with a charming smile and a deep breath in his direction.
Song for the scent:
https://youtu.be/VRrJugyk1Yw
17 Comments
Translated · Show original
Hubert 'Farting Fabulous' Schallmackenreuther Guesting with Markus Schlonz
(with additional guests)*
Markus Schlonz (Markus) folds the moderation cards:
I welcome all my guests in this round and especially warmly the guest next to me: Hubert Schallmackenreuther - I may call him Hubert - who just conceived the fragrance Ombré Leather as a perfume intern at Tom Ford.
[moderate applause from the audience, someone sneezes]
Mr. Stullinho:
[scratches himself]
Mr. Sevencheese:
In China, someone fell over…
Mme Bleu de Flunse (Flunse):
Iiiieh!
[audience: Ooooooh..]
Markus:
Silence in the hall! Hubert, you not only cloned the new Ombré Leather at Tom Ford… uh, mixed it… no, conceived it, but also - already as a pre-intern - the fabulously successful 'Farting Fabulous'!
Dr. Schlork:
It smells funny here…
Mr. Stullinho:
Hey Schlork Bro, I smell it too, Bro!
Hubert:
Yes, that was my first resounding success. After that, Tom said: Hubert, he said, make a fragrance that no one forgets.
Flunse:
Iiieh!
[laughter in the audience]
Markus
Silence in the hall!
Dr. Schlork:
Mr. Schwallmackenlöter, you were allowed to…
Hubert:
Schallmackenreuther!
Dr. Schlork:
Bless you. You were allowed to re-conceive, reformulate the Ombré Leather, which turned out quite well, really, elevated mainstream, a triggering top note, a…
Mr. Stullinho:
Quite a top note quickie, but it hits hard!
Dr. Schlork:
…a mild heart that drifts a bit indecisively, but finds its base in a warm, creamy, pleasing manner.
Mr. Sevencheese:
Do you know that one? The fluffy Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and he says: Can you make me one with everything?
[ https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c ]
Flunse:
Hihi, no one gets that again.
[audience looks at each other questioningly, one laughs]
Markus:
Huh? Back to the topic. Hubert, what were you thinking with the bottle?
Hubert:
Actually… nothing, wait: Black is zeitgeist, is autumn and winter, is hip and hüh and hot, you know, that sort of thing. Although the fragrance actually should have been in a brown bottle, because of the fluffiness at the end, which
Flunse:
Iiieh!
Dr. Schlork:
Yes, yes, that’s for the synesthetes, those are the ones who buy perfume by color, but what does a color-blind synesthete do now?
Mr. Stullinho:
He goes by smell, you idiot, and buys 'Farting Fabulous'. Because he knows that one.
[audience roars]
Hubert:
[tries again]
…the fluffiness at the end that makes the fragrance mass-appealing.
Cherryme Flabdance (Cherryme) enters the hall, does a few full-body spins - almost falls on her face - and joins the round: Sorry I’m late, but I couldn’t find parking with the Ferrari. I have a red Ferrari.
Markus:
Cherryme, great that you could make it!
Cherryme:
And I have a new watch too!
Markus:
What are the 'Ladies Reactions' to 'Farting Fabulous'? You must have tested it!
Cherryme:
They are grand! We had grand reactions! All the girls smashed my head against a wall. That hurt quite a bit. But my Ferrari is awesome.
Mr. Sevencheese:
Speaking of awesome, do you know that one? Rigobert and Helmfried meet on the street…
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJuO2laE8E ]
[audience roars, some women hit their men]
Cherryme:
By the way, I can do one-arm push-ups, and I’m launching my own perfume now. We will have a grand perfume!
[audience yawns and starts folding paper airplanes]
Markus:
[gestures soothingly with his arms]
Thank you very much to all my guests, a heartfelt thank you, Hubert, for your, uh, patience, and much success in everything you mix… conceive. Ombré Leather isn’t bad!
[80% of the audience claps and throws grand paper airplanes]
Best regards
J.
*Any resemblance to living persons is purely coincidental and unintentional.
Markus Schlonz (Markus) folds the moderation cards:
I welcome all my guests in this round and especially warmly the guest next to me: Hubert Schallmackenreuther - I may call him Hubert - who just conceived the fragrance Ombré Leather as a perfume intern at Tom Ford.
[moderate applause from the audience, someone sneezes]
Mr. Stullinho:
[scratches himself]
Mr. Sevencheese:
In China, someone fell over…
Mme Bleu de Flunse (Flunse):
Iiiieh!
[audience: Ooooooh..]
Markus:
Silence in the hall! Hubert, you not only cloned the new Ombré Leather at Tom Ford… uh, mixed it… no, conceived it, but also - already as a pre-intern - the fabulously successful 'Farting Fabulous'!
Dr. Schlork:
It smells funny here…
Mr. Stullinho:
Hey Schlork Bro, I smell it too, Bro!
Hubert:
Yes, that was my first resounding success. After that, Tom said: Hubert, he said, make a fragrance that no one forgets.
Flunse:
Iiieh!
[laughter in the audience]
Markus
Silence in the hall!
Dr. Schlork:
Mr. Schwallmackenlöter, you were allowed to…
Hubert:
Schallmackenreuther!
Dr. Schlork:
Bless you. You were allowed to re-conceive, reformulate the Ombré Leather, which turned out quite well, really, elevated mainstream, a triggering top note, a…
Mr. Stullinho:
Quite a top note quickie, but it hits hard!
Dr. Schlork:
…a mild heart that drifts a bit indecisively, but finds its base in a warm, creamy, pleasing manner.
Mr. Sevencheese:
Do you know that one? The fluffy Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and he says: Can you make me one with everything?
[ https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c ]
Flunse:
Hihi, no one gets that again.
[audience looks at each other questioningly, one laughs]
Markus:
Huh? Back to the topic. Hubert, what were you thinking with the bottle?
Hubert:
Actually… nothing, wait: Black is zeitgeist, is autumn and winter, is hip and hüh and hot, you know, that sort of thing. Although the fragrance actually should have been in a brown bottle, because of the fluffiness at the end, which
Flunse:
Iiieh!
Dr. Schlork:
Yes, yes, that’s for the synesthetes, those are the ones who buy perfume by color, but what does a color-blind synesthete do now?
Mr. Stullinho:
He goes by smell, you idiot, and buys 'Farting Fabulous'. Because he knows that one.
[audience roars]
Hubert:
[tries again]
…the fluffiness at the end that makes the fragrance mass-appealing.
Cherryme Flabdance (Cherryme) enters the hall, does a few full-body spins - almost falls on her face - and joins the round: Sorry I’m late, but I couldn’t find parking with the Ferrari. I have a red Ferrari.
Markus:
Cherryme, great that you could make it!
Cherryme:
And I have a new watch too!
Markus:
What are the 'Ladies Reactions' to 'Farting Fabulous'? You must have tested it!
Cherryme:
They are grand! We had grand reactions! All the girls smashed my head against a wall. That hurt quite a bit. But my Ferrari is awesome.
Mr. Sevencheese:
Speaking of awesome, do you know that one? Rigobert and Helmfried meet on the street…
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJuO2laE8E ]
[audience roars, some women hit their men]
Cherryme:
By the way, I can do one-arm push-ups, and I’m launching my own perfume now. We will have a grand perfume!
[audience yawns and starts folding paper airplanes]
Markus:
[gestures soothingly with his arms]
Thank you very much to all my guests, a heartfelt thank you, Hubert, for your, uh, patience, and much success in everything you mix… conceive. Ombré Leather isn’t bad!
[80% of the audience claps and throws grand paper airplanes]
Best regards
J.
*Any resemblance to living persons is purely coincidental and unintentional.
26 Comments
Translated · Show original
Wronger with glue
Yeah - okay: There is no "wronger" or "false," but for a tired joke, the language has to be bent a bit; it serves the emphasis; I also have to bend sometimes (forward, to relieve myself) when I have to absorb certain scents, less the artificial fragrances of perfumers, more the unwashed fellow humans.
Anyway - since I'm currently lying in bed with influenza, I thought I’d write a critique :-)
With the end of meteorological winter, I tackled the autumn/winter samples again - one wants to start spring organized - and immediately downgraded Stronger With You (SWY) from 7.5 to 6.0. Downgraded because I will never wear it, even though I was bombarded with samples in stores, and at some point I resignedly pocketed them without comment. Moreover, a certain "Tschäremy" commanded: "Give him a Tschänce! Pörhäps this is the new Onmilljen!". Although Onmilljen was not my desire either ;-)
As a sofa gourmand, SWY was supposed to be used - it never happened. The subconscious and conscious refused. In the meantime, so many better scents moved in for this purpose - Santal by Florascent, L'Instant de Guerlain Parfum, Valentino Uomo, yes, even the Rich Warm Addictive by Zara is better, although even in its sweetness it is borderline by now.
Well, an overly sweet scent in a kitschy little bottle with a completely meaningless name (Stronger with you - probably invented by an advertising agency intern after hours in the shower at the gym) brings tears to your eyes, if not literally, then at least raises your blood sugar.
There is also something positive: I think the fragrance direction is unmistakable in its intensity, a unique scent with recognition value (to steer clear of it). However, those who love very sweet fragrances will be happy here!
Anyway - since I'm currently lying in bed with influenza, I thought I’d write a critique :-)
With the end of meteorological winter, I tackled the autumn/winter samples again - one wants to start spring organized - and immediately downgraded Stronger With You (SWY) from 7.5 to 6.0. Downgraded because I will never wear it, even though I was bombarded with samples in stores, and at some point I resignedly pocketed them without comment. Moreover, a certain "Tschäremy" commanded: "Give him a Tschänce! Pörhäps this is the new Onmilljen!". Although Onmilljen was not my desire either ;-)
As a sofa gourmand, SWY was supposed to be used - it never happened. The subconscious and conscious refused. In the meantime, so many better scents moved in for this purpose - Santal by Florascent, L'Instant de Guerlain Parfum, Valentino Uomo, yes, even the Rich Warm Addictive by Zara is better, although even in its sweetness it is borderline by now.
Well, an overly sweet scent in a kitschy little bottle with a completely meaningless name (Stronger with you - probably invented by an advertising agency intern after hours in the shower at the gym) brings tears to your eyes, if not literally, then at least raises your blood sugar.
There is also something positive: I think the fragrance direction is unmistakable in its intensity, a unique scent with recognition value (to steer clear of it). However, those who love very sweet fragrances will be happy here!
8 Comments
