“Hababah! And once again Bah!”
Mömselbach grimaced in agony and defiantly thrust his lower lip forward.
For some time now, he had found little pleasure in managing the suggestion box of a scent-sensitive community.
What had once been a delightful and fruitful wandering through astonishing expanses, to say the least the entire world of fine fragrances and exquisite elixirs, was now desolate due to a long-standing lack of exclusivity and refinement, which sapped all joy and sustainably diminished any prosperity.
Consequently, the widely read column “Ask Dr. Onckelmann!” had increasingly become a depressing succession of seemingly identical questions.
Should he really and truly continue to devote himself to the same?
“Never!” murmured Mömselbach in disgust, letting his gaze drift into the vague.
Then he shook himself dramatically.
“Oh,” he thought to himself, “one could go on a rampage!”
What, he pondered anxiously, drove people to trouble him with questions about boring, arbitrary, interchangeable, and uninspired concoctions that he could not bring himself to call “perfume”?
Who, he further wondered, was inclined to voluntarily apply such brews, subjecting innocent passersby, street trees, and the resident birdlife to perpetual wicked... no, rather quite wicked harassment?
Many of the inquiries in his suggestion box consisted of legitimate yet poorly articulated complaints about the declining quality and longevity of popular, well-known, albeit unproven fragrances.
These had apparently fallen into the hands of a dark syndicate of marauding, wickedly internationally networked taste detractors.
They seemed to consider it their foremost duty to annoy their fellow humans to the point of exhaustion and to make them the object of their well-meaning but indescribably annoying educational efforts.
Recently, they had targeted the perfume lover as such and the object of their affection with what they called “reformulation,” intending to depress him and sustainably devastate that.
Or to ruin it.
If that was still necessary.
Some of the so-called “new” sweetly bland or sweetly intrusive creations appeared from the outset to be designed to promote the general decline of any aesthetics, and that seemed to be the declared goal of the general olfactory leveling.
And now this.
In his suggestion box, there was an inquiry from a sender who referred to herself as Schantall Mutzenbecher-Gumpicht. Mömselbach immediately feared the worst and was not disappointed.
Schantall Mutzenbecher-Gumpicht troubled him with an expansive, textually meandering jeremiad, the meaning of which he was able to decipher only after several readings and with great effort, revealing its content to him.
The delightful maid intended to noblitate him, Mömselbach, as arbiter elegantiarum and asked for his opinion on a fragrance water, which she apparently sought to acquire for her rather scantily adorned spouse.
However, the astonished speechlessness that arose in light of this request quickly overcame Mömselbach as he recalled the abhorrent brew.
Following the dictates of the militant pedagogical-moral taste detractors, the questioned, evidently quite sought-after product from the house of Bulgari had been conceived as a nearly malicious attack on the still intact olfactory nerves of normal people. They had successfully created a swirling, monosaccharide synthetic mush that failed to convince with the sweet imitation of a natural oil called neroli. They had then enriched this sugary broth with so-called woody notes, which made a moderately interested effort to imitate imitations made from imitation plywood.
Very unproductive stuff.
Especially since they had also added some extremely persistent sharp notes that were strikingly similar to those of an aging, scorched plastic shower curtain, and a rogue might have had the humor to call it Virginia cedar. All of this resulted in a disharmonious yet intrusive composition that seemed to have emerged from the seventh circle of fragrance hell.
Several people with whom Mömselbach felt friendly or otherwise connected had erupted into enthusiastic exclamations such as “Yuck!” and “Eww, what stinks here?!” or even “Help! Call the fire department and the emergency doctor!”
Mömselbach found himself in heartfelt agreement with them in enthusiastic rejection.
Thus, he opened his response intended for Schantall Mutzenbecher-Gumpicht with the heartfelt words:
“Dear, devastated madam!”
“I beg your pardon, dear one, but this fragrance,” Mömselbach continued with his characteristic fine heart rhythm, “resembles a warty toad that, despite ample kissing, refuses to become a princess. The washed-out bland sweetness, which is doomed to enter into an unhappy liaison with the intrusive note of subtly smoldering plastic, will, as one hopes, eventually be blissfully lost in the abyss of forgetfulness. This fragrance is one of those creations that, even while still among us, no one misses. You, dear lady, should refrain from thinking of it. On the other hand, I concede that this brew is indeed predestined to serve as a sufficiently unique reason for a splendid family dispute followed by divorce.
Yours very sincerely, Dr. Yannik-Sebaldus Onckelmann, fragrance expert and connoisseur”
So, thought Mömselbach, it is probably a futile endeavor, but that perforates me most tangentially.
“Ha!” he murmured pensively, “how did the great philosopher Balthasar Matzbächen say? He said: On a slope, inclination is duty!”
Updated on 06/23/2020