Vanilla Sex

Vanilla

Tom Ford 2023 Eau de Parfum

Sit down everyone, I’m going to tell you about my high school days.

When I was taking 10th grade biology class, we had a unit where we were expected to get into groups. Each group was then allotted one (1) dead fetal pig that we would collectively dissect. I’m not sure if this fucked-up team-building exercise is exclusive to American public schools or if fragheads worldwide can relate and shudder, but I digress…

Anywho, the pigs fetuses came sealed in plastic and marinated in formaldehyde. It’s hard to put the smell of formaldehyde into words, other than it’s what I would call an “emetic wonder” of scents. It’s like if full-strength rubbing alcohol were mixed with every ripe body fluid possible and then left out in the hot sun in a jar for a few months.

What does all this have to do with Vanilla Sex? Dear reader, it has EVERYTHING to do with Vanilla Sex.

Vanilla Sex is essentially what would happen if you siphoned out all that dead fetal pig juice and then dumped some vanilla extract into it.

I do not know what kind of sex Mr. Ford is having, but clearly he must be stopped at all costs.

If Vanilla Sex weren’t so gosh darn costly, I would have at least recommended that every parent with young children keep a bottle on hand in case of an emergency. If little Timmy has swallowed a tide pod and Poison Control Center says he needs to cough it back up, this could save his life.

Christ this is bad. I thought people were being a bit too harsh on the Tom Ford reviews but lmaoooo this absolutely reeks of like condoms??! medicinal vibes? maybe even embalming fluid?! the f*ck??? Definitely not very vanilla-y which is laughable given the name and the notes.

If you're looking for a sassy vanilla DO NOT buy this lmao do yourself a favour and get Guerlain SDV or YSL Babycat.. or Vanilla 28, or D&G Devotion Intense.. or literally any of the other million vanillas ffs :')

If someone wore this around me and it smelled anywhere near what it smelled like on my skin I would tell them to go take a shower. Thank Christ it is super expensive otherwise you'd be smelling this in the wild!!!! Genuinely hated it sorrrrryyy

I did not get any of the scandalous, dirty, or urine-adjacent notes that some people swear are lurking in here. On my skin, this opens as a straight-up gourmand. Sweet, almond-forward, very marzipan. Think bakery, not back alley.

As it settles, it basically becomes pure vanilla extract with some soft woody undertones, while that same almond note hums quietly in the background. It stays very linear, very polite, very well-behaved. Honestly, it is kind of boring, which feels unintentionally on theme. Vanilla Sex really is vanilla sex. Predictable, safe, lights on, missionary, home by ten.

That said, it is a pretty vanilla. If you like dry, sweet almond scents, this is pleasant and easy to wear. But the price is criminal. Absolutely criminal. For what you get, this is not groundbreaking, not complex, not particularly memorable. It smells nice, but it smells like something you could find for a fraction of the cost.

In short, Vanilla Sex is exactly what it says on the bottle. No kink, no danger, no scandal. Just smooth, sweet vanilla with almonds, with a Tom Ford price tag.

This sex was not vanilla at all. It went quickly from being undetectable with nearly no sillage, even nose-to-wrist level sniffing was unhelpful. Second wear, it turned into straight ammonia litterbox within half an hour. It was so noxious I had to wash my wrists in a public sink. Horrible. I would not wish this scent on one of my worst enemies. When my friend begged me to let her have it, I gave it away like some sort of monkey's paw as quickly as I could. Good riddance.

Also, for its price point, it should not be smelling like a cats piss.

I've had my fair share of vanilla sex; this is Golden Sex, not vanilla. To put it politely, it smells of urine. When I first sprayed it in Sephora, I immediately looked to see where the homeless man was. After walking around for about 20 minutes, I realized that I had become that man. I went to a Macy's later that same night and walked straight to the TF section because maybe the bottle I used was tainted. Before I got to the counter, I overhear it being compared to cat piss.

I'm at a point in my fragrance journey where I will only speak about scents that have a profound impact on me in some way, and this has done just that, but in the worst way possible. This scent is a hard pass for me.